Meaning. Dreams. Transformation.

I recently blogged about my job as a nanny in a "joking" tone. So this may catch some of you off guard. I actually did think the story told in that entry was humorous, however, on the inside I am hurting. I received my pay check in the mail this week. Great right? Well, it was made out to "Jennifer" Hughes. Just another reminder that I have very little meaning to this family. I am so glad to be in LA and I have said before that I can't imagine us anywhere else. This is true and I still believe with every fiber in me that we are in the right place. One thing still seams to be missing... a job where I feel meaningful. I am praying and dreaming about jobs I would love to do, it just seems like nothing is happening. I am willing to try anything at this point. I thought I had an open mind before, but after my experiences with this family I am REALLY open minded. I am tired of leaving work everyday and feeling worthless, like a screw up, and frustrated. I still have hope that one of these job options (that I day dream about as I clean dishes, make beds, and fold laundry at this families house) will become a reality.

Struggle is an interesting thing, painful and beautiful all at the same time. Part of me says "Quit this job. Who cares if you don't have another one lined up right away, you will find something else." The other part says "Are you nuts? You can't quit. Just deal with it, you don't have anyway to make money so you just need to stick it out until a new job presents it's self." Shockingly I am leaning towards an option that goes against who I once was, safe no-risk Jessica. I have begun quite an internal transformation that has started oozing to the external and I am excited to see where it leads. I still have not decided if I will quit or wait it out, but I will keep you posted.

The world I once considered the only way was one where only realistic options were allowed. Now I am feeling the exciting brush of the option to dream and to dream big. Why not? The hard part for me about allowing these dreams to come to the surface is when it seems like they may not happen. When I followed the rule of always being realistic there were facts involved, I had a pretty good idea if the goal would be accomplished or not. Every time I dream and hope,I risk failure and disappointment. There has been a lot of this lately. This is surprisingly thrilling to me. So my choice now is to keep developing these dreams. It's fun. Give it a try.